Orlando, FL – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has had it with Disney.
After having flouted every state law on the books, thumbing its proverbial nose at the “Don’t Say Gay” law and daring the governor to do something about it, Ron DeSantis has decided enough is enough.
According to our sources, the final straw was the new “Critical Race Roller Coaster” at the Magic Kingdom. Targeted to white children under the age of 12, the new ride features a dozen stops, each of which features a different aspect of slavery in United States history.
The four minute and thirty second ride has left children sobbing and hating their white parents, leading to many a ruined vacation and months of family counseling sessions, resulting in even the therapists hating the white parents.
In response Governor DeSantis has ordered 400 National Guard troops deployed to Disney World in order to restore “law and order” and to “prevent Disney from further indoctrinating our vulnerable youth”.
DeSantis spokesperson Cletus Derpfinger outlines the goals of the governor’s order:
“The primary mission of this special military operation is to ensure that all rides and concession stands are secured and that no indoctrination or grooming is occurring.
Approximately half of the troops will spend their entire day on rides (each will be given unlimited lightning passes) and monitor the rides for any unlawful activity.
Another quarter of the troops will be stationed at concession stands, where they will sample food and beverages to ensure that they are not laced with THC or other illegal substances.
Finally, the rest of the troops will attend children’s shows and musical venues, reporting back to the governor’s office on any harmful lyrics or music they may encounter.
In addition, an unspecified number of troops will be deployed undercover, wearing special gay pride uniforms in order to clandestinely blend in with the groomers.
Governor DeSantis hopes he has been heard.”
