Former President Donald Trump — the best president in the history of the United States of America — has released a special note of appreciation for his supporters to thank them for standing by him for the last five years.
So get your tissues ready — it’s still so upsetting that he’s out of office!
Because Trump has been banned from Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Reddit, Twitch, YouTube, The Home Shopping Network, Snapchat, TikTok, Instagram, Discord, Disney TV, Shopify, AOL, MySpace, and Mar-a-Lago’s neighborhood NextDoor page, he had to rely on OAN’s website to get the word out to his cult members.
I mean, his patriotic supporters.
His heartfelt missive to the uneducated rubes starts with, “I said five years ago that I could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any supporters. And you people have proved that to be true. It’s tremendous, really. Really tremendous. The blind worship is more than I ever hoped for. I truly don’t know how I’ll live without it.”
Political reporter Sandy Batt discussed the thank-you letter with a few other reporters at the White House today as they left an actual press conference with an actual press secretary who told the actual truth. Batt said, “Word on the street is that without his Twitter megaphone, Trump is completely lost. His health is already failing without the adulation of the screaming, angry hordes that sustained him for five years. How sad. Haha.”
Because Trump is a man of few words (except the hateful, xenophobic, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, bigoted words that he adores so much), the note to his followers isn’t very long.
He wrapped up with, “It would mean everything to me if my rabid fans would line up outside Mar-a-Lago with poorly spelled signs asking me to run again in 2024. Everything. The world. I want to do Ivanka. I mean, I want to do it. Run in 2024. I don’t want to do Ivanka. I do, but I don’t usually say it out loud. Anyway, thank you. You worshipped me well. Suckers.”
