As Safety Measure, Pence Sworn In

The most shocking and disturbing news of possibly the year broke this morning as it was revealed through the administration that both President Trump and first lady Melania have tested positive for the deadly Coronavirus.  Although it’s been reported that both are currently asymptomatic and appear to be in fine health, purely cautious safety measures have been taken by government officials according to constitutional precedent, and Vice President Mike Pence has been quietly sworn in as a successor to office.

Such a measure is not unheard of, similar to former VP Dick Cheney receiving the same upgrade during a brief period when George W. Bush was hospitalized during a few days of his second term.  During that time, ironically, Cheney suffered 14 separate heart attacks and was kept alive for much of the period with a car battery and the McGuyver-esque use of an aide’s spare Tamagochi device.

Chief of Caucasian Staff Joe Barron released a statement that the President and first lady are just peachy, and want desperately not to cause any panic, stressing the labelling of the event as a “regulation safety measure”, much like simply buying a new loaf of bread when the one you’re currently using has a small spot of mold on one end.

“President Pence is simply submitting himself to protocol and concerned citizens should not make anything more of it.  What did I say?  I meant VICE President Pence.   At any rate, the first couple are showing absolutely no outward signs of infection even though both of their test strips turned dark purple and then disintegrated into a pasty ash.  Again, this is not uncommon.  They are also being well-attended to by sons Donald Jr. and Eric Trump, who have been in conferences with personal banking officials all morning, again, simply for safety’s sake.”

All parties concerned with the crisis are constantly monitored by medical professionals, and further statements and updates will be made during the week through both media sources and the President’s Twitter account.  Unless it suddenly goes silent, temporarily, of course, God forbid.