January 6th was a dark day in the history of the United States. Some say it was the true start of what would be the “normalization” of homegrown terrorism, the fault of President Trump’s army of undereducated blumpkins misunderstanding reality once again.
“Obama is a Muslim, y’know. That’s why his name starts and ends with a vowel.”
Some people call the insurgents terrorists, while others regale them as heroes, contending that it was the nebulous “Antifa” and Black Lives Matter crowd who stormed the place that day, calling for blood.
It doesn’t take Maury Povitch to determine that that is a lie.
At any rate, rioter Joe Barron, 48, was sentenced to an astounding twenty-five years yesterday for his role in the attempted takeover. Barron was a quality tester at a Missouri Big Wheel factory until his incarceration.
Judge Reinhold, the adjucator in many of the Capitol cases, made an example of the gentleman with his sentence, delivering a fiery speech during the reading.
“Mr. Barron, you sicken me like three day-old sushi. Did you truly believe your orange cocksocket’s claims of a rigged election and suddenly consider yourself a vigilante? A new version of Patrick Henry? No, sir, you’re not. You’re a little backed-up weasel of a man who will be spending a lot of time soon doing the two-body mambo with ‘Big Eddie’ in cell number fifteen-B. Enjoy.”
“You’ll be okay! The Jew lasers can’t get you in the shower!”
Reinhold also ordered that Trump himself be sent photos of Barron in various states of nude disrepair with captions that read: “RIG ME, RIG ME REAL GOOD!” and “I’M HORNY, SEND PENCE.”
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
