Who doesn’t like Secret Service Agents?

Whether protecting Republican or Democrat presidents, the valiant agents of the venerable United States Secret Service have always stood by their man, willing to take a bullet if need be.

In return, presidents of all stripes, including President Trump, have always been grateful to the agency for their service and dedication.

Sadly, that all now appears to have changed just to make an extra buck.

Beginning on the first day of his presidency, the Biden administration will charge all Secret Service agents working the White House detail $25 PER VISIT to any White House bathroom.

Bathroom attendants at the White House will monitor usage by scanning the badges of agents as they enter the facilities, the total cost of which will then be automatically deducted from their paychecks at the end of each month.

For those agents wishing to save money, the White House will offer a monthly bathroom subscription pass for a fee of $499.95, which will include free soap and towels, a personalized roll of toilet paper featuring the Presidential Seal, and an unlimited supply of Gas-X.

According to White House spokeswoman Swiss Madison, the fees are necessary in light of ever-increasing maintenance costs:

“Even at $25 a visit, we are only barely breaking even. The Trump administration replaced all bathroom fixtures with gold plated ones, including the urinals and toilets. Those need to be polished every day, which only adds to the maintenance costs because it’s very time consuming.

Unfortunately, we will also have to charge overweight Secret Service agents slightly more, as they tend to be “double dumpers”.

The Secret Service should be happy that we’re not charging them more, because visitors to the White House and foreign dignitaries will be charged $35 per visit with no monthly subscription option.

Any agent not wishing to pay the fee is more than welcome to use the Porta Potties located at all National Parks and monuments throughout DC.”

According to the spokesperson for the Secret Service union, Thomas Crapper, agents aren’t happy with the new fees:

“So much for the Biden administration appreciating what we do. We put our lives on the line for those people, and now they want to charge us for performing our God given bodily functions?

We have agents with Irritable Bowel Syndrome who work in the White House. We can’t expect them to pay $100 or more a day just to use the bathroom! They’re going to have to choose between paying the fees or wearing diapers and being able to afford to feed their family. It’s outrageous. And it will be stinky. Who wants to work in a White House that smells of poop?

And those Porta Potties that they’re talking about? The closest ones are at least a half mile away.

We are going to fight this injustice tooth and nail.”

This is truly a national disgrace. What will come next? Charging agents for maintaining their sunglasses?


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