It’s been barely a week since Kyle Rittenhouse became a free man and started his official Robin training with George Zimmerman. But now his road to sweet rebellion has hit a major snag.
Last night, sometime between three and three fifteen a.m. on Queefblaster Street in downtown Kenosha, the baby bullet binger was pulled over in his 1977 Buick by officer Joe Barron of the highway patrol. Rittenhouse was travelling at one hundred and nine miles per hour.
Upon his stop, Kenosha’s newest killmaster was administered a breath alyzer test. His blood alcohol level was clocked at 61%, but that isn’t what really initiated the arrest. As Barron tells it, there was more to the story.
“The young man was inebriated, that was very clear, but he was also covered in a substance we identified as methamphetamine. Now, meth is a drug that surely would be enough for a bust, but then you have to consider the seven pounds of wrapped cocaine on the passenger seat as well as the barrel of fentynol that was in plain view in the rear seat.”
The barrel turned out to contain several thousand doses, which Rittenhouse wrote off as : “Some shit I was just carrying for a friend.”
Kenosha police are charging the tubby youth with possession, possession with intent to distribute, noxious chemical transport, driving while intoxicated, and generally resembling a human-sized bag of cream cheese. Any one of these charges taken solo is eligable for a death sentence.
Rittenhouse himself hasn’t made a statement addressing the arrest, but was approached by a legion of reporters in front of the courthouse, where he shot eight of them in self defense. As of the publication of this article, seven are deceased and one is breathing with the help of a fireplace poker.
A gofundme has already been set up for Kyle by his bulbous and hideous mother.
