President Trump surprised the media today with the unveiling of a new Christopher Columbus statue on the White House South Lawn.
The 20-foot tall statue is made of reinforced copper and adorned with weather-resistant Corinthian Leather fixtures. Weighing in at just over 12 tons, it becomes the heaviest statue on White House grounds.
The statue was gifted to the White House by the Knights of Columbus. Grand Moff Tarkin, head of the order, tells us,
“We’ve had the statue for decades. It wasn’t until Trump came into power that we felt there was a proper leader in place to receive our greatest gift.”
Onlookers were in awe as the statue was unveiled. Kellyanne Conway and Kayleigh McEnany were brought to tears upon seeing the masterpiece. “It brought back such powerful emotions seeing the founder of our country depicted in such a beautiful way.”
Owner of the Washington NFL franchise Daniel Snyder was also in attendance. Snyder, who recently removed the term ‘Redskins’ from his team’s name, was seen lowering his head in shame as the covering came down, muttering “What have I done?” over and over again to himself.
The ceremony was not without its detractors, however. Several Hollywood stars took to Twitter to voice their disapproval.
Tonto portrayer Johnny Depp tweeted, “As someone who played a Native American, I’m deeply offended by this statue and call for its immediate removal.”
Robert De Niro tweeted at the President, “If you need to put up a statue of an Italian American, it should have been me. I mean, have you ever seen Meet the Fockers?”
Overall, it was a true celebration of the American spirit. The determination of one man lead him to an undiscovered country. Today, we call that country America, and we lead the world with wisdom and grace.
