As if 2020 hasn’t kicked us in the nuts enough already, officials from the PepsiCo corporation issued a press release saying that the United States, and the Midwest, in particular, are “Days away from an all-out stoppage in the production of Mountain Dew.”
When questioned as to what would possibly cause the shortage, a PepsiCo official said,
“It’s complicated. Uh…We really can’t say at this time.”
However, a leaked memo indicated a possible hack by the Chinese government that is essentially holding the recipe hostage until after the election. In response to these allegations, the Chinese government released a statement saying, “我们没有偷食谱 Mountain Dew.”
An insider at the PepsiCo bottling plant in Kansas City tells us, “Ever since they automated the manufacturing and bottling process, nobody has the recipe memorized.”
PepsiCo allegedly attempted to contact Barney and Ally Hartman, the original creators of Mountain Dew, but we unsuccessful due to the fact that they passed away in the 1980s.
News of the impending shortage has sent shockwaves across the midwest causing panic in many cities. People lined up overnight at the Costco in Peoria, Illinois to stock up on the essential beverage.
A family of seven was kicked out of a Dairy Queen in Hastings, Nebraska when management caught them filling up several Yeti coolers from the self-serve soda fountain.
Janette Cox of Pine City, Minnesota had to hold back her tears as she told a local news station, “I don’t know what we’re going to do. Mountain Dew is America’s pop. It’s the Dallas Cowboys of pop.”
While the Midwest is visibly crestfallen over the impending shortage, the news sent the stocks of Dr. Pepper, Squirt, and Mug Root Beer skyrocketing as they are thought to be the new go-to soft drinks should Mountain Dew run dry. Insulin stocks dropped noticeably.
