Michael Jorda, the NBA’s all-time greatest player and one of the most sought-after celebrities on the planet for ad executives, is saying goodbye to Planet Fitness.

“I want nothing to do with any of that,” Jordan said in an exclusive interview with ALLOD, “I have a reputation to uphold. I’m not about to ruin it for some gym that decided to go woke.”

Jordan asked that we keep his name and quotes anonymous to protect the innocent. LeBron James, on the other hand, is a different story.

“I don’t care who knows I said it,” LeBron fired off in an email that may or may not be authentic, “I love Planet Fitness. I go in there all the time just to use the ladies’ room.”

A bunch of LeBron haters who like to make fun of how often he cries said they thought that sounded about right, so we went ahead and printed it as fact.

Jordan won’t be lured back to Planet Fitness for any amount, especially now that he knows LeBron is there. “His Space Jam sucked,” said Jordan, “We had the sexy bunny.”

He’s not wrong about that, patriots. If Lola Bunny didn’t make you sweat a little you probably grew up to be a Biden voter. Or something like that. God Bless America.

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