Donald Trump has a reputation as a take-no-prisoners businessman and problem solver. For years his peers treated him with awe and respect, but sometimes it’s the side with his love and compassion that comes out and really tells you why he’s where he is. And how he feels about his fellow Americans, as one lucky White House tour group found out yesterday.
It occurred just before noon as the President was lumbering towards the oval office for his daily lunch of three Whoppers with cheese, two whole raw potatoes, and a Zima infused with adderall and Herpes medication. Trump became disoriented within a hallway and after a five-minute pause in a broom closet, walked out and into the group. Secret service agents then reminded him that he was still wearing a penis pump.
As the shocked group beamed and reached out to shake the President’s tiny hand, Trump muttered the word “losers” over and over to himself appearing to launch onto a what administration psychologists have labeled a level 4 Tom Cullin scenario, and was helped by sides who suggested he hand out gifts in order to calm down. The commander in chief then began giving away anything within ten feet to the crowd.
Joe Barron, who now owns the nuclear football, said the President was ; “The most generous mutated orangutan I’ve ever seen. I can’t wait to take out France or Belgium or some shit! Let’s make America Great again!” Barron was arrested several minutes later in front of Mike Pence’s stripdancing cage in the east wing.
They say that every American should take the White House tour at least once in their life, and for this particular group, that lucky timing sure paid off. Except for Steven Ashbucker, a 68-year old professional transient from Illinois who was tragically drowned in urine when Trump mistook him for a Russian prostitute.
