In yet another case of justice only serving regular people, Travis Kelce got away with a doozy. According to our source deep inside the Las Vegas Police Department, Kelce was brought in by six cops double-handcuffed and muzzled.

“He was insanely fall-down drunk,” said Officer Barron (name used to protect our source’s true identity), “And then he woke up, in the back of the cruiser, and turned into a raging lunatic. I’m almost afraid for Taylor is this is his normal behavior.”

Even though the incident was allegedly witnesses by a dozen or more people, there’s no record of it anywhere.

“It’s as if it never happened at all,” said Barron, “The phone rang. Not the regular phone. The big red phone. The Chief came in, and ten minutes later the Department was scrubbed of any word. We all signed NDAs and collected checks for $43,967, which happens to be the maximum amount an international superstar can give to one individual before paying taxes on it. Coincidence? I think we know what really happened.”

ALLOD Fact-Checking Journalisticatory Tara Newhole went to Vegas to see what she could find. “Once again, it’s just an excuse to bring Flagg an In-N-Out burger. Now we go through the last three paragraphs for maximum advertising optimization spouting nonsense about fictional conversations among fictional characters. Really, Flagg, I think you need help.”

I will remind Tara and everyone else that this son of a potato farmer spent a lot of years on welfare picking himself by his bootstraps before I got my HVAC certificate from DeVry. That’s Heating, Something that starts with V, and Air conditioning, patriots, and it almost pays half my bills.

Anyway. Yeah. They should lock that guy up. God Bless America.

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