Kroger and Publix, two of the country’s largest and most respected retail grocers, are taking a proactive stance against Tyson Foods and its new policies.

According to representatives from both companies, Tyson will need to address its plan to hire a huge number of migrant workers as well as its program to develop insect proteins to incorporate with the chicken.

“We’re not backing down,” said Leon Kroger, Vice President of Marketing and the only namesake still employed by the food giant. Mike Publix, who uses an interpreter since he only speaks Swahili, said, “M’nau ka liahnsa (click click pop) g’dila (click) gow,” which loosely translates to “Mi amo Brick doesn’t actually mean ‘my name is Brick’ in Spanish, it’s conjugated incorrectly.”

“It’s tough to understand the sentiment,” said Kroger,” but I’ve known Mike a long time, and when he says (click click pop) he means it.”

Tyson declined to comment on the story, noting that it may be “the dumbest thing they’ve ever heard.” That may be true, which only means they’re unfamiliar with our work.

We didn’t bother asking ALLOD Journalisticator Tara Newhole’s opinion. She’s been pretty mean lately and last time she came back from a wild goose chase in Houston she refused to bring me a Whataburger with no Miracle Whip so I can add real mayo myself. All-in-all, patriots, this one may not have been worth the effort. God Bless America.

 

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