Kimberly Guilfoyle — ex-wife of pretty boy California Governor Gavin Newsom, current girlfriend of Donald Trump Jr., and all-around extremely patriotic Republican — has made a shocking announcement: She’s moving back to California to run against Gavin for governor.
Considering the fact that Don Jr. is a worthless, aimless, good-for-nothing nobody who’d be washing cars like Biff Tannen if not for his last name, it won’t be difficult for him to pick up his toys and follow his ambitious girlfriend across the country to the Golden State.
After Guilfoyle’s rather cringeworthy holler-fest at the Republican National Convention last summer, during which she bellowed at the top of her lungs into an empty room and made rational people question her sanity, she has made a hobby of yelling into cavernous spaces and basking in the echo of her melodious voice. Favorites include her shoe closet and the empty space where Trump’s brain should be.
Guilfoyle and Donny Jr. will be driving across the country, because they refuse to wear masks as required to fly commercial — only beta pussies do that. Along the way, they’re meeting a camera crew at the Grand Canyon, where Guilfoyle will scream her campaign announcement into the echo-creating abyss. “I’m running for governor…overnor…overnor…” It’ll be awesome.
Newsom confidante Sandy Batt laughed heartily when told that Gavin’s ex is returning to California to run against him.
“She was a Democrat when she was First Lady of San Francisco. A Republican hasn’t won a statewide office in California in 15 years. Good luck, Kimmy.”
Newsom’s aunt, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, promised to campaign for Newsom and help him with fundraising. And by fundraising, she means stealing yet more money from Social Security and giving it to Gavin for hair products and dinners at the French Laundry.
Good luck and see you in the Governor’s Mansion, Kimberly!
SUNDAY IS A HOLY DAY OF SATIRE !!!