Note – this article has been reprinted and is originally from September 30th, 2020!  Man, does that seem so long ago, huh?  And the kid’s STILL snorting anything dusty.  That’s some crazy shit.  – Fallis Gunnington.


Last night’s first presidential debate took a personal turn about halfway through when the subject of veterans came up.  With the President defending himself against reports that he has more than once insulted the bravery and sacrifices of military troops, his opponent Joe Biden, the father of two enlisted sons, slammed Trump for encouraging the toxic behavior of his drug-addicted progeny, Donald Jr.

Trump Jr., seen here attempting to determine whether or not he should eat a fluorescent light fixture.

Although the first son’s problems have been largely ignored by the media, some experts, including Sandy Batt of the Center for Cocained Caucasians, have confirmed the obvious signs of telltale behavior and warned of the future of a dangerous lifestyle in the public political eye.

“Look, Mr. Trump can go after Hunter Biden for his past all he wants, but the fact remains that he recognized his problem long ago, sought and received help for it successfully, and most importantly, is not now, nor is he likely to be, part of the Presidential administration of the United States.  Donald Trump Jr. is a senior advisor to the President.  He is on the White House payroll.  Do we really condone the commander in chief being given guidance by a coked-up crazy-eyed cow-tipping fratboy wannabe with bad fashion sense?  I think everybody’s answer to that should be no.  Even Charlie Sheen has the good sense not to try to be the guidance counselor to America’s most well-known D-student.”

Batt notes that the President has been obsessed with Hunter Biden since his entire reality is shaped by ridiculous nonsense he reads on social media and believes, making him the most prolific and least intelligent “tater” of them all.  However, his psychosis has less to do with common gullibility, and more to do with a shamefully fragile ego and comically low intelligence.

“The President will neither confirm nor deny trying to pretend he’s Jason Statham while masturbating.”

Some pundits have excoriated both candidates, pointing out the adage that : “kids should be off the table” in politics.  I suppose the Republicans should have held to that during the Clinton and Obama years if they wanted to sweep the Trump family’s criminally cockblasted black sheep under the rug.


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