You may have witnessed the abomination that was The Academy Awards, where John Cena, a man who supposedly cares about children, humiliated himself in front of the world.

You’re not alone. The people who run the ad campaigns that keep Cena working were also watching, and they weren’t impressed.

“We went from having a respected actor and wrestling champion to having another member of the woke left,” said Under Armour President Joe Barron, “We’re not renewing his contract.

That move alone will cost Cena more than $10 million annually. Combine that with the other four companies refusing to continue working with him and you have a windfall of repercussions for sullying what is typically a family event.

ALLOD Entertainment Correspondelator Tara Newhole says the atmosphere at the Oscars wasn’t nearly as explosive as in previous years, but with incidents like this, it didn’t exactly disappoint, either.

“You sent me to the Days in down the street and swore the Oscars was there, Flagg,” Newhole complained on a hot mic, “So I ordered a chicken finger basket and rubber-stamped your bullhonkey. Because whatever.”

It seems that after all these years, Tara is finally beginning to understand why America’s Last Line of Defense has some of the most popular content on the intrawebz: It only has to be true at the Days Inn down the street. God Bless America.

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