Legendary investigative prosecutor Trey Gowdy has been working under the radar for the past month, sources finally revealed today, attempting to clear up the controversy occurring in the state of Georgia regarding tampering claims. And he’d like to know what a facility just outside of Queefingham Lake with hundreds of empty vats with “mysterious black ink residue” is doing there.
“I’d like to announce that I will be opening those vats on a Fox News Special. This time, there better at least be a severed finger or something.”
The facility, which has no outward signs of ownership, is registered to a “Sandy Batt LLC” corporation based in, oddly coincidentally, Beejay, Arkansas, home of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s Foundation’s executive headquarters. Democratic activist and spokesperson for Batt Enterprises told a difficult-to-swallow story in reference to Gowdy’s alarming discovery.
“Okay, so that facility? It’s used to store bingo marker ink. Yeah. If the teabagger version of Columbo had managed to do a simple Google search, he’d have figured out that our company is the largest American producer of bingo markers in the world. Dabbers, they’re known as. Which is something I believe Trump’s paranoid schizophrenic base would be familiar with, given it’s filled with boomer retirees who shuffle like Ben Gay scented zombies into bingo halls every weekend to waste some time and chew on tasteless tuna sandwiches. It’s like they’ve never heard of lemon-pepper.”
The “bingo dabber” explanation isn’t holding water with Gowdy, or superdetective Rudy Guliani, who commented to the media about his take while aides collected the goo he was melting into with rubber suction tubes for later remolding.
“Obviously this is all a cover up for magic ink. That’s right. Magic ink. You go to vote, THEY give you a pen, and that ink suddenly disappears, rendering your ballot blank and invalid. It’s despicable. I have absolutely no proof of this. You’ll just have to believe me. Have I ever steered you wrong?”
“Don’t answer that question if you’re a cousin I’ve never brought to orgasm!”
Exactly zero authorities have given the failed lawyer’s discovery any credence, and in fact laughed loudly as Gowdy’s long-suffering wife took the kids and the car and moved in with her mother. Mrs. Gowdy has confirmed she will seek a divorce on the grounds of her husband being an embarrassing twat with a triangular head.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
