When you leave the White House after serving duty in the executive branch, a stipulation of your retirement from American office is the lifelong continuation of Secret Service protection.  As a former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton doesn’t qualify for the full and complete deal.  As a former First lady, however, both she and her husband Bill are afforded full details 24/7.

They also get free gift certificates to Spencer’s Gifts. Check it out, the Def Leppard Rick Allen pop only has one arm. How hip is that?

The costs for these safety measures fall squarely on the American taxpayer, and can vary depending upon what other tasks the VIP may assign to her guardians.  For instance, Jimmy Carter and his wife Sandra Batt Carter used only $15,000 last year.  By contrast, Hillary Clinton alone needed fourteen million.  Wait, did I say eighteen?  I meant eighteen million dollars.

Strictly speaking, the duties of the Servicemen require only protective security.  According to Clinton confidant Shirley Gonnapork, much more is expected of Hillary’s particular shadows.

“She sends them out for a lot of things.  Groceries.  Email servers.  A few times she made a couple of them drive to Beyonce’s house just to get some lipstick.  I’ve seen a bunch of them re-tarring her driveway.  She has a giant Monopoly board she had built in her backyard, and I know she and Bill use those guys as human markers.  They’re not real fond of being hotels.  Oh, a lot of times they have them just run around and play American Gladiators on top of their neighbor’s roofs.  I think the worst was when they rented a giant life-sized Hot Wheels track, with a loop and everything, and had them race through it.  Two of them ended up in the hospital.”


The skyrocketing price of the former presidential candidate’s security bill is sure to ruffle the feathers of more than a few trumptards.  But then again, what doesn’t?  If I had a dime for every triggered old Trump cultist I see every day, I’d probably have…well…around 18 million dollars.


No comments yet. Why don’t you start the discussion?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *