A lot of people had misgivings about the future of conservative media giant Fox News when it was reported that juggernaut Disney Corp. had bought the company out in a multi-bullion dollar deal. Now it looks like those worries are bearing fruit as Big Daddy has essentially demanded the replacement of three of its most beloved anchors.
According to Joe Barron, the assistant to the assistant of the CEO’s nephew, Disney’s board of directors took an instant dislike to the trio of dimwitted talking head’s after having the misfortune of meeting them in person at a cocaine pajama party thrown by Ant Man star Paul Rudd.
“They said that Steve Doocey has about as much personality as a stepped-on cow turd. I mean he does kind of look like Mike Brady if he’d gone to Vietnam and had a land mine take out half his frontal lobe. The woman in the middle hasn’t made any difference as long as she’s blonde and wears a skirt. That’s just for their ratings. Fox has hired full on strippers in the past, so, as long as they can read. And then there’s Kilmeade. The board members took one look at his face and asked me if they got a tax break because he’s ‘special.’ I had to convince them he wasn’t actually retarded. Then he opened his mouth and blew that all to hell anyway.”
No official announcement has come yet from the House of the Mouse about who will replace the trio of teleprompter readers, but rumors are flying that replacements may come from the corporation’s stable of current talent.
“It’s really time Fox had people on in the mornings that aren’t complete bags of douchejello,” Barron noted. “We have a whole lot of mousekateers just waiting for their big breaks. And old people love kids. Every day will start like visiting day at the nursing home!”
