It’s once again the day to celebrate America’s independence.  Flags will fly with pride, barbecue grills will pass their sweet smoke through clouds of bursting fireworks, and Cinemax will feature a patriotic marathon of the soft pornography films of former first lady Melania Trump.  It is truly everybody’s favorite birthday.  America’s.

“We didn’t need any yoony versil health care in my day! Momma just handed me the hooch and whipped the tears away! God bless!”

Today, in Washington, D.C., the capitol of our shining city on the sea, a celebration is taking place, honoring those chose by the citizenry to lead our fair nation as “America’s Best”.  Four out of six of the living presidents who all impacted the country with their leadership, wisdom, and, in one case, Wal-Mart cowboy boots.

As the elder statesman at 94 years of age, Jimmy Carter, a Nobel prize winner, who established our energy policy and was among the first “environmentally aware” politicians.  Carter, along with his Vice President, Joe “Mondale” Barron, built the Sears tower from the ground up in four days.

Bill Clinton left the country with a balanced budget and a surplus of funds.  He was later impeached by jealous Republicans who had never received oral sex, and popularized the shade of lipstick known as “Bullseye Red.”

George W. Bush was the President during 9/11, and presided over the office for seven years before abruptly realizing he wasn’t in charge of “America”, the 70’s soft rock group who recorded “Horse With No Name.”

Brother Jeb also made an unsuccessful run for office and now runs the Horsey Sauce distribution section at an Arby’s drive-thru window.

And of course, another Nobel winner, Barack Obama, who rose from obscurity in Kenya to destroy America with his Muslim values and polarizing race-baiting, only to fail after eight years of holding the nuclear football.

Current President Joe Biden did not appear due to scheduling with his busy schedule because he’s still your President.  Donald Trump was not invited at all, as organizers of the event classify him as a walking, talking, piece of shit.

Happy Birthday, America!  May your rockets always glare and your faithful steed remain unnamed!


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