Anyone meeting the three qualifications for President of the United States can file an application for candidacy in an upcoming election. You must be over 35 years of age, be born in the country, and have been a resident for more than 14 years.
You must also not have eviscerated a prostitute within the last 12 months…Tucker…
However, it seems Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has added a fourth wrinkle to the process : “You must not be Donald Trump.”
According to what sources inside the Speaker’s office have revealed to Washington beareau chief Joe Barron of the Queeferton Bulletin, Pelosi has already intercepted the appropriate paperwork filed through the Department of Federal Elections by Trump and his team, and dismissed it with a decree of ineligibility.
Pelosi herself explained the reasoning to Barron a day later in front of her billion dollar San Francisco mansion constructed completely out of fetal tissue and featuring a door-knocker made from Rush Limbaugh’s dead jawbone.
“Two impeachments right away should disqualify him from running for President. You don’t fire an employee for stealing, threatening, and, oh yeah, inciting a mob to murder your former co-workers and destroy the company and then get hired back. Nobody’s that goddamn stupid.”
The Speaker also points to the several open criminal prosecution cases against Trump as reasoning not to let the bulbous failure anywhere near the White House a second time.
“Criminals under prosecution can’t typically vote. Why should they be able to run for office? This country got off light by showing his ass the door after only one term. I’m not going to let his demented death cult empty their bowels all over America again.”
“But when I was at the Capitol, there was a line for the toilet with handlebars!”
Pelosi then performed the familiar “Two snaps up into a circle” gesture, dropped her microphone, and moonwalked into her foyer, where a delivery of ice cream packed in diamonds and hundred dollar bills waited to be unloaded.
Will Trump find a way around this hurdle? Will the Red Hot Chili Peppers finally board the defective airplane they’ve deserved for decades? Will Rudy Guliani and his faithful ward Mike Lindell escape Dominion’s Lawsuit of Litigous Lethality? Tune in tomorrow, patriots!
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
