As the rally for President Trump drew hundreds of screaming fans in Ocala, Florida, last week, other people of obviously different allegiances were hard at work just yards outside in the parking lots.
Security chased, but failed to capture, dozens of “suspicious individuals” attacking cars, trucks, and golf carts owned by the attendees, some wielding cans of spray paint, bags of cow manure, and most troubling, torches.
In total, six vehicles were destroyed beyond repair, while twenty-eight more are in stable condition at nearby emergency mechanic bays, suffering maladies including collapsed trunks, broken door handles and windows, and urine-filled airbags.
Automotive surgeons told police that the scene was straight out of a Jason Statham movie.
Joe Barron, a twenty-year resident of St. Blumpkin’s Institution for the Automotively Damaged says that some of the injuries he’s witnessing to the victims are worse than the day back in 1988 when an 18-wheeler carrying Phil Collins CD’s overturned, causing dozens of cars to swerve into each other to avoid touching the toxic spill.
“The real victims of this tragedy are the poor trumptards who own these vehicles,” Barron told Car and Queefer magazine. “There are several older senior men with golf carts who are sleeping on tree branches tonight because they don’t know what Uber is, and can’t access the internet on their flip phones. I have mangled Confederate flags everywhere and Oldsmobiles filled with VHS videos of Charlie Daniels concerts smashed and burned to atoms. I’ve had a woman in the waiting room crying for ours about her Buick Skylark’s roof, which was tagged with the words ‘suck a cock, nazi’ in yellow paint. The poor woman is seventy-eight. She doesn’t want to suck a cock. She just wants to complain about blacks, Jews, and Mexicans with her friends. It’s just tragic.”
At this time, damages from the vandal’s actions have already run up into the thousands, and some repairs will need days to get parts from nearby flea markets.
But the real damage was to the hearts of the poor Trump fans who now have flat tires – in their hearts.
