The Great American Beer Festival is the highlight of the summer for the good people of Vandenboom, Wisconsin. Every year, their simple little town transforms like Louden, New Hampshire, or Sturgis, North Dakota during their respective bike weeks, into a bustling hub of drinking, food, and fun.

This year, however, the festival known to beer aficionados worldwide as the premier place to be in late August will feature zero Budweiser products.

“We just can’t see putting up all the signage and giving them a booth just to watch people either ridicule or ignore them,” said Festival Master of Ceremonies Joe Barron, “Their reign as the King of Beers is at an end.”

Budweiser Spokesperson Sandy Batt says the company is disappointed in the decision but they do understand why: “We made a huge mistake and now America is making us pay for it.”

Anheuser Busch President Augustus Anheuser III said the brand will probably need to be either overhauled completely or replaced with something new. “Either way, Bud Light is finished,” he said, “We’re considering marketing a new label specifically to country-loving good ol’ boys to see how that does.”

According to our research, it does just fine. Those folks will pay $30 for a six-pack they may or may not ever actually receive, all the while drinking Natty Light believing they’re hurting Budweiser. “I hate to break it to them,” said Batt, “But every Bud Light tap in every American establishment is hooked up to a keg of Natural Light in the basement.”

Having changed those kegs, patriots, this reporter can tell you that while we tend to like for people to know that what we post isn’t necessarily real, true, or believable, you really have been drinking swill on tap for years. God Bless America.

 

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