For all of his much overblown reputation concerning a problematic life, First Son Hunter Biden is apparently quite popular among throngs of admirerers. The young ne’er-do-well was overwhelmingly voted into Gullible People magazine’s top spot as “sexiest man alive.”
“The number 61 spot ain’t so bad. I’m just sayin’. I read that Denzel was number 61 back in the day.”
Hunter is stealing the honor this year from last year’s beefcake John Legend, both of whom received over 81 million votes each. All votes were tabulated and confirmed by Dominion systems, Inc. Legend fell to second place for 2020, but still remains ahead of top 5 sexy yankbankers River Phoenix, Seth Rogan, and Democratic dreamboat Cory Booker.
Sandra Batt, gossip maven for the Manhattan Queefquirerer says the studly bad boy counts quite a few celebrities among his secret crushes.
“I would ride that pony like a broken parking meter at the Piggly Wiggly. Ukraine, hell, I kraine some of that pork belly in this old dilapidated ham wallet!” – Pundit Anne Coulter.
“Oh honey, I’d lick that stubbly young steeple until the cows come home. He makes me wetter than Jason Mamoa’s flipper pants. Yum yum!” – Senator Lindsey Graham.
“Now I am a closeted lesbian, but damn, if that man doesn’t make my loins quiver like an elderly Trump supporter in the line at a Hometown Buffet. He is the cure for DeGeneris degenerateness.” – Former National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice.
“Mister Hunter is very much of the handsome young bowl of borscht. If I ever can make to kicking to curb giant sweaty pig balloon of husband, is make time for filling of lady sex trough with his meat silo best turnip stuffing.” – Former First Lady Melania Trump.
Since leaving the White House, Mrs. Trump has been tattooing an escape route out of Mar-a-lago on her back after watching “Prison Break.”
The honor comes with perks, an endorsement deal with Axe Body Spray, a spread and interview in Juggs magazine, and a small speaking role in an upcoming Fast and Furious film. It sounds like Hunter Biden is the baby that nobody’s going to put in a corner, conservatives.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
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