With the 2020 Presidential election moving farther off into the taillights, former President Trump and his legal team still continue to dispute the results, desperately clinging to a more and more irrational belief that his opponent and globally-accepted winner Joe Biden somehow cheated to achieve victory.
Even after multiple recounts, failed moronic lawsuits, and conspiracy theories that only brain damaged sputtering dimwits could believe, not a single shred of proof has been offered to support the morbidly obese professional shyster.
“What do you mean no proof? What do you call the Epoch Times saying it right next to an ad for magnetic underpants?”
The latest entry into teabagger dreamland came this morning from election auditor and Rudy Guliani witness Sandy Batt, a 68-year old retired glue-sniffer from Big Queef Lake, Arizona, who has determined that seven percent of that state’s ballots were filled out in Spanish.
Although this claim has absolutely no merit or evidence, it was posted to both Facebook and Twitter in a childish misspelled manner, which is acceptable to a Newsmax or OAN news cycle.
Batt told some egg-eyed whore who used to use penises for pillows and now has the morning spot on one of those networks all about the discovery while hundreds of Trump supporting bumbletwats hung on her every word.
“I have seen these ballots, thousands of them, at least seven percent of all the ones in Arizona by my estimate, in a dream. They were all in Spanish, like the menu at a Chili’s, and the Democrats had them hidden in suitcases that they snuck in with invisible forklifts. I heard the voice of George Soros whispering that they were using chemtrail gas to hypnotize everyone into forgetting it happened. But it didn’t work on me because I drink spoiled milk every day. That’s the key. That’s how we beat their tricks. Spoiled milk.”
Film star and toad-licking advocate Randy Quaid has already begun keeping his own personal cow in a tanning bed.
No other witness has made even close to a similar claim, and Batt’s critics question her mental health and point to a past arrest record showing that she was previously incarcerated for publicly dry-humping pets in a local park. But nonetheless, this could be just the kind of racist dogwhistle that Guliani has been farting for.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
