In a shocking revelation that is completely unsurprising to anyone who owns at least three tinfoil hats, an anonymous source (who may or may not be the guy yelling outside a Denny’s) has uncovered a massive bribery scheme between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and Hunter Biden.
According to this highly credible report, Zelensky funneled more than $13 million in “incentives” to Hunter Biden, allegedly to convince “The Big Guy” (President Joe Biden) to keep sending endless taxpayer dollars to Ukraine.
Hunter’s Totally Legitimate “Consulting Services”
So, what did Hunter Biden do in exchange for this staggering pile of cash? According to a leaked invoice scribbled on a cocktail napkin, Hunter’s “consulting services” for Ukraine included:
- Teaching Ukrainian officials how to paint and sell “abstract” artwork for suspiciously high prices.
- Providing expert advice on hiding money in totally not shady offshore bank accounts.
- Training Zelensky in the fine art of shaking down world leaders by using just the right amount of sad puppy eyes during speeches.
- Helping Ukrainian oligarchs pick out luxury sports cars that “don’t attract too much attention” (spoiler: they all do).
- Offering exclusive access to his infamous laptop, which now apparently doubles as a global VIP pass for corruption.
Joe Barron, The Ukrainian Ambassador Who Insists “Nothing Is Suspicious”
When confronted with these allegations, Ukraine’s official ambassador to the U.S., Joe Barron, held an emergency press conference where he insisted that everything about this deal was perfectly normal.
“Look, do you really think we’d bribe Hunter Biden just to keep U.S. money flowing into Ukraine?” Barron scoffed. “We don’t need to bribe anyone—America was already sending us money like it was falling from the sky.”
Despite his confidence, leaked emails paint a different picture. In one particularly damning exchange, Hunter Biden reportedly wrote to Zelensky:
“Hey man, Dad’s asking why you haven’t wired the latest $3 million yet. You know he gets forgetful, but if the money stops coming, he might suddenly remember where all this cash is going. No pressure, but like… hurry up.”
The White House’s Response: “No Comment (But Also, Please Ignore This Story)”
When asked about the alleged bribery scandal, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre immediately pretended not to hear the question and instead launched into an enthusiastic speech about National Hot Dog Appreciation Month.
However, an unnamed Biden staffer (who was later tackled and dragged away) was overheard muttering, “Wait, you guys found out about the $13 million one? I thought we only had to worry about the Dubai deal.”
What’s Next?
Despite mounting evidence, the DOJ has shown no interest in investigating, leading many Americans to wonder if Hunter Biden is simply too powerful to prosecute—or if the real scandal is just how bad his paintings are.
Meanwhile, Joe Barron remains cool under pressure, reassuring everyone that Ukraine will continue to receive American aid regardless of any alleged bribery.
“Seriously, we don’t have to bribe anyone. This money is coming either way,” Barron chuckled. “Honestly, at this point, Hunter just invoices us for fun.”
Stay tuned, America.
