In yet another stunning example of government waste finally getting the attention it deserves, the Department of Oversight of Government Expenditures (DOGE) has officially canceled a $3 million federal grant awarded to Whoopi Goldberg for a project titled “Promoting Diversity in Urban Conversation Circles.”
At first glance, the project seemed like a noble endeavor. Whoopi reportedly submitted a 14-page proposal, handwritten in purple crayon, detailing a bold plan to “foster diverse dialogues between Americans of all colors, creeds, and commitment levels to brunch.” The initiative was originally supposed to bring together everyday citizens for open forums and televised roundtables on important issues like racial unity, cultural exchange, and whether or not raisins belong in potato salad.
But upon review, DOGE discovered that 94% of the grant funds had already been spent on catering, luxury hotel rooms, and a fully staffed “emotional support mimosa station.” Another $400,000 was reportedly allocated for “inclusivity-themed mood lighting” at a series of events that were never actually scheduled.
“She told us she was planning a 12-city tour,” said DOGE’s spokesperson Joe Barron, “but all we could find was a single brunch in Malibu with three of her old co-stars, a llama in a rainbow vest, and a guy named Art Tubolls who claims he’s the head of her security detail and also her spiritual advisor.”
According to an extremely unverified source who manages the snack aisle at a Rite Aid near the ABC studios, Whoopi’s plan to “spark authentic change through French toast and shared eye contact” never really got off the ground.
“I saw her once with a clipboard and a waffle,” the source reported. “But mostly she just kept yelling that the eggs weren’t cage-free and that the diversity levels at the omelet bar were ‘troubling.’”
The final nail in the diversity brunch coffin came when one of the project’s listed speakers, “Noted Inclusivity Expert” DJ Jazzy Résumé, turned out to be a guy named Carl who once taught a yoga class at a vape shop in Glendale. When confronted by DOGE investigators, Carl fled on an electric scooter and has not been seen since.
As of now, all remaining funds are being rerouted to a new program aimed at teaching Congress how to read financial reports before approving them. That program is being run by a third-grade teacher from Des Moines and a sentient calculator named “Beep.”
Goldberg’s team has denied all allegations, stating that the brunch was a “pilot program” and that no official “diversity brunch audit guidelines” were ever provided. They’ve also threatened legal action, citing emotional distress and a lukewarm hollandaise.
When asked for further comment, Whoopi simply said:
“Y’all just don’t understand what it means to be diverse and hungover.”
God Bless America.
