In what might be the most shocking entertainment news since Joy Behar forgot what year it was on live television, The View is reportedly moving forward without Whoopi Goldberg this fall. According to an anonymous ABC executive who introduced himself only as “Art Tubolls” and was later spotted refilling the paper towel dispenser in the staff bathroom, Goldberg’s absence is “99 percent definite-ish, give or take some scheduling stuff.”

While ABC has yet to release an official statement, that hasn’t stopped fans (and critics) from speculating wildly about Goldberg’s future—or lack thereof—on the show. “She’s either taking a break, being pushed out, or auditioning for the live-action remake of The NeverEnding Story as Falkor,” said television insider Joe Barron, who overheard two lighting guys say her name while adjusting the cameras for the summer intern showcase.

Sources—meaning three Uber drivers and a woman who claims to have catered Joy Behar’s dog’s bar mitzvah—say the decision came after a “tense” behind-the-scenes meeting in which Goldberg reportedly demanded either a 400% pay increase or a hoverchair that would let her “glide majestically” onto the set.

Producers were allegedly unwilling to accommodate either request, having already blown this year’s budget on Meghan McCain’s hair and a psychic goose that predicts hot-button topics 24 hours in advance.

In classic Goldberg fashion, she hasn’t commented directly on the rumors, but she did tweet a cryptic message that read, “Sometimes the view is better from somewhere else,” followed by three mushroom emojis and a GIF of Oprah Winfrey slowly backing out of a room.

This sent The View’s fanbase into a frenzy. Some demanded clarity. Others began writing open letters. And a small but vocal group of people in Florida burned their televisions in protest, though they later admitted they thought The View was a new drag show on HBO.

If you’re wondering who will replace Goldberg, the answer is: no one. At least not yet. Art Tubolls—who may or may not have keys to the building—says the show is considering rotating a panel of “fresh voices,” which includes a third-grade debate champion from Newark, a woman who speaks only in Dua Lipa lyrics, and a sentient AI that only reads BuzzFeed headlines.

“They want to bring in someone with energy,” said Barron, while adjusting his tin foil hat to get better Wi-Fi. “Someone who understands the current moment. Someone who can yell louder than Sunny Hostin.”

Meanwhile, Goldberg was last seen in Malibu getting into a Lyft shared with Al Franken and a bag of Trader Joe’s mango chips. When asked by a TMZ camera crew if she was leaving the show, she replied, “I’m leaving something, baby,” before vanishing into a nearby Whole Foods.

God Bless America.