Everybody saw it coming, after the last few months of lies, ignorance, and exploitative behavior. Former Land-O-Lakes spokesperson and space bartender Whoopi Goldberg was finally unceremoniously fired from daytime talkfest The View, and she did not take the news well.
Viewers of the program on Friday morning were shocked when Goldberg walked off the set mid-show, surrounded by a phalanx of ABC security guards and program coordinators.
“This is absolute bullshit,” the braided and visibly shaken star of “Racing Stripes” bellowed. “Y’all are making the biggest mistake of your careers! I will see you in hell, you fascist Nazi scum!”
Escorted backstage, she was being given her possessions and walking papers when she then, violently and unexpectedly, exploded.
“I saw a flash of light coming from the room,” describes witness, set supervisor Joe Barron, who had been getting some shit ready for Joy Behar to hawk in the next segment. “And then there was a huge popping noise and blood and bone and everything. It was intense.”
“The bitch just went up like a pair of underpants in Melania Trump’s room at 6 a.m.”
Fire marshalls called to the scene said Goldberg must have just had enough of the show and the insipid articles being written about her on satire pages and spontaneously combusted. Melted bits of dustpans were seen being carted out.
“I suppose that’s one way to leave,” Barron sighed, sopping up bits of anatomy with a paper towel. “I mean, if you’re gonna go, go out in a blast.”
Funeral services for what remains of Miss Goldberg will be held early next week. Organizers recommend shorts and T-shirts.
