The White House has graciously bestowed upon the Department of Government Ethics (DOGE) the authority to retrieve more than $3 million in fraudulent student loan relief payments that, shockingly, ended up in the pockets of certain lawmakers who definitely didn’t need the help. That’s right—while Americans were drowning in student debt, some of the very people who fought against loan forgiveness were busy helping themselves to a few government-funded perks. Because of course they were.
DOGE, the ever-watchful guardian of government ethics (a job that must feel like cleaning up after a hurricane every single day), has now been tasked with clawing back the ill-gotten funds. It’s unclear how exactly these lawmakers qualified for student loan forgiveness—perhaps their private schools were so expensive that they just had to seek some assistance? Or maybe they were just accidentally placed on a list meant for struggling students? Happens all the time, really.
Naturally, the scandal is bipartisan because when it comes to taking free money, politicians are nothing if not cooperative. Suddenly, both sides of the aisle have something in common: their ability to “mistakenly” accept funds meant for people who don’t own vacation homes. It’s touching, really. They say Congress is divided, but when there’s money involved, they find a way to work together.
The best part? Some of these very same lawmakers have been lecturing the public for years about “fiscal responsibility” and the “dangers of government handouts.” Apparently, those dangers only apply when the handouts aren’t going directly into their own pockets. Who knew?
Now, thanks to DOGE, they’ll have to give it all back, which is just so terribly unfair. How are they supposed to make ends meet now, on their meager six-figure government salaries and their extensive stock portfolios? If they can’t siphon off student loan relief, they might have to—gasp—live like the rest of us.
It remains to be seen whether DOGE will actually get the money back or if this will be one of those situations where no one is really held accountable, and everything just sort of disappears into the congressional void. But for now, at least, the American people can enjoy the image of a few lawmakers sweating over the idea of paying back money they shouldn’t have taken in the first place.
And if nothing else, at least we now know that government waste is alive and well—just not in the places we were told to look.
God Bless America.
