According to nearly every Republican politician, pundit, and prognostitician, the social security system in the United States is careening wildly down a Hot Wheels track, wobbling from side to side on broken plastic tires, towards a loop that it’s not going to be able to navigate. The elderly and handicapped, many of whom are feeble-minded victims of the Cult of Trump, depend on this income to continue to retardify the planet for their grandchildren.
“We didn’t need any yoony versil health care in my day! Momma just handed me the hooch and whipped the tears away!”
Many of these same patriots also blame the Democrats and, specifically, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi for the program’s future of insolvency because they’re gullible and always angry about everything, looking to blame anyone else.
This is where Pelosi’s new “Social Security voucher plan” comes into play, and as Yale University’s Chair of the Department of Finance and Queefery Joe Barron explains, it’s been a long time coming.
“Yes, social security is running low. You know why? Because it’s supposed to. See, when the ‘boomer’ generation came up, we wisely figured that based on their larger numbers, we’d need larger amounts of money. Now that they’re reaching their end, that money is running low, and will continue back at normal levels.”
“Nancy believes that then, most newer recipients will be able to pay their way better, and can receive payments as vouchers, to pay rent or bills, or buy food. No real difference, really. Although I’m sure the surviving bluehairs will have a fit anyway. Maybe we’ll just pay them in lottery tickets.”
“I wake up winnin’ the lottery every day ’cause I’m Kanye, bitches.”
The voucher program will be rolled out by the end of this year, and will require anyone currently on the old program to re-enroll by signing up at their nearest DMV office. Each claimant will be expected to show three acceptable forms of photo I’D, a signed permission slip from their state’s governor, and the exact maternity room bracelet issued to them on the day of their birth.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
