It was only a matter of time before the financial geniuses over at DOGE uncovered something big, and this time, they’ve outdone themselves. According to sources that definitely aren’t just some guy who saw a TikTok, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s net worth has allegedly increased by a staggering $75 million since the war began.

For those of you keeping score at home, that’s roughly 75 million more than the average American’s bank account, which currently hovers somewhere between “barely making it” and “begging Elon Musk for Dogecoin handouts.”

But how could this be? Isn’t Ukraine supposed to be the underdog? The last brave democracy standing against the Russian menace? Well, according to one very reliable source — a DoorDash driver who happened to overhear a conversation at the Ukrainian embassy while dropping off a Chipotle order — Zelenskyy’s fortune may not be all from “defending freedom.”

“Look, I don’t wanna say he’s scamming us,” the driver, identified only as Joe Barron, told reporters. “But one minute, I’m hearing about how they need more aid, and the next, I’m watching someone wheel in a brand-new Tesla Cybertruck with Zelenskyy’s name on the title. Something doesn’t add up.”

Where Did the Money Come From?

Investigators, which in this case means a guy on Twitter with “Patriot” in his handle, have been digging into where this mysterious fortune came from. The current theories include:

  1. Secret Side Hustle: Some believe Zelenskyy may have a second job as a crypto influencer. After all, it’s not that far-fetched—he’s got the charisma, the following, and Ukraine already accepted Bitcoin for war donations. Was he actually using those donations to day trade?
  2. A Netflix Special Deal: Sources claim that Netflix has been quietly negotiating a deal for a 10-season Zelenskyy docudrama, where he plays himself in a dramatic reenactment of the war. “It’s like House of Cards meets Saving Private Ryan, but way more expensive,” a Hollywood insider who may or may not be Art Tubolls told us.
  3. The Ol’ Washington Laundry Cycle: The simplest explanation is that he’s just using the tried-and-true method of U.S. aid going out and magically coming back—only this time, instead of finding its way into the pockets of career bureaucrats, it’s landing in a Swiss bank account under the alias “Z. Voldemort.”

White House Response: “Nothing to See Here”

Naturally, when asked about the accusations, the White House declined to comment. When pressed further, the official response from the Biden administration was, “No, seriously, stop asking, or we’ll ban your account.”

Meanwhile, the ever-trustworthy Elon Musk, now the head of DOGE Investigations, is vowing to get to the bottom of this. “We will expose the truth,” Musk tweeted, right before posting another meme about how Tesla stock is totally a good buy.

As for Zelenskyy, he remains silent—though, in his defense, it’s probably hard to tweet when you’re busy parking your brand-new yacht somewhere off the coast of Greece.

God Bless America.