Before his ultimate and supposedly self-administered end in a federal prison, Jeffrey Epstien was a well-known financier to the rich and famous, including such luminaries as Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and noted slower-down of love, Phil Collins.
Take it from Matt – you CAN hurry love, Phil. Right up until the cops show.
However, as the story of the decade exposed itself like the aforementioned Trump in a dressing room at the Miss Teen USA pageant, the businessman had a dark side, and a privately-owned spot, located in the Virgin Islands, where it’s been uncovered that he held sex parties where children were casually abused by himself and visitors.
The island is currently up for sale, as the deceased criminal’s assets go into forfeiture, and guess who’s looking to buy? Bill Gates? Catherine Hettinger, the inventor of “fidgit spinners?”
Nope. One Mr. Hunter Biden, first son, and rapscallion extraordinaire.
According to Sandra Batt, CEO of land retailer chain Island Depot, the young former crack cocaine enthusiast has a plan for the land.
“Mr. Biden alleges that he has discovered an ancient fermented cucumber that dates back from 2030 B.C., perfectly preserved in a piece of amber. With that fossil, he intends to use current DNA technology to cover the island with ancient cucumber crops, in order to produce the perfect pickle.”
“He intends to rename the island : ‘Vlasic Park’, and open it to the public within four to five years.”
Got the Vlasik Park gag in. Sho Nuff.
Biden will theoretically be utilizing all of the money he’s made from his Ukrainian petroleum dealings that were perfectly legal, and yet, still manage to make conservatives across the country fudge their adult diapers.
Could “Vlasic Park” be Hunter’s next big thing and perhaps lend a little respectability to a Virgin land with a bad reputation? I guess it’s all down to chaos theory.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
