In a move that stunned absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, the Vatican has officially requested that President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden stay home during the funeral proceedings for the late Pope Francis. The reasoning? According to Carmalengo Cardinal Joseppi Barrone, His Holiness “didn’t consider them good Catholics.”
“Ours is a faith of love, humility, and spiritual conviction,” Barrone said during a press conference held inside a literal golden palace. “But mostly, ours is a faith that doesn’t align with the let’s-pretend-abortion-isn’t-murder crowd. The Holy Father took issue with politicians who say ‘I believe in God,’ and then turn around and vote to fund Planned Parenthood with Monopoly money from the taxpayer piggy bank.”
The Bidens, longtime self-professed Catholics who believe that showing up at Mass on Christmas Eve and having a rosary in your sock drawer counts as sainthood, were reportedly shocked by the snub. A spokesperson for the White House released a statement saying the Bidens will “respect the Pope’s wishes” and “pray for his soul from Delaware,” which is code for we’re going to brunch instead.
Pope Francis, known for his efforts to modernize the Church while simultaneously confusing the heck out of everyone, apparently drew the line at President Snack Nap and Dr. Ed.D. According to internal Vatican memos leaked by someone named Art Tubolls, the Pope once referred to the couple as “the two most religiously inconsistent people he ever met,” before pausing and adding, “…besides Nancy Pelosi.”
And while the mainstream media spun the story as “a respectful decision” and “nothing political,” sources inside the Sistine Chapel say otherwise.
“He didn’t like them,” said Monsignor Joe Barron, head of spiritual security and head usher of the celestial VIP section. “Plain and simple. You can’t say you’re a devout Catholic while simultaneously co-signing on policies that have more red flags than a Chinese military parade. His Holiness made it very clear: no hypocrites at the funeral. Period.”
The First Lady is said to be “disappointed but understanding,” while President Biden reportedly asked, “Wait, Pope Francis died? I thought we were sending money to his reelection campaign.”
Insiders also say the Vatican’s decision may have been influenced by a recent DOGE audit showing that the Biden administration allocated $7.3 million in ‘religious outreach’ funding to a consulting firm called Gays For God, which hosted interpretive liturgical dance workshops in San Francisco.
The funeral, to be attended by world leaders, dignitaries, and one guy who used to be in the band ABBA, will proceed without America’s Catholic-in-Chief. Meanwhile, the Bidens will light a candle at home and watch the funeral on EWTN between reruns of “Touched by an Angel” and nap time.
God Bless America.
