In what can only be described as a rare win for tradition, the Vatican has officially denied former President Barack Obama’s request to attend and speak at the upcoming funeral of Pope Francis.
“It will be a day of mourning and prayer,” said Vatican Carmalengo Cardinal Joe Barrone, “not a campaign stop.”
The denial reportedly came after Obama’s team submitted a 14-minute speech titled “How I Could Have Fixed the Church If I’d Been Born Pope.” The speech included anecdotes about his childhood in Indonesia, five minutes of vague references to hope, and at least one direct comparison between himself and Saint Peter.
While it’s unclear whether the Holy Father’s soul will weigh in on the matter, officials made it crystal clear: “There are rules against non-Christians speaking at the altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica.”
When asked if the comment about non-Christians was a direct dig at Obama, Cardinal Barrone shrugged and replied, “You said it, not me.”
Sources say the Vatican wasn’t thrilled with the idea of the man who once lectured Americans about clinging to “guns and religion” turning one of the holiest ceremonies on Earth into a “Netflix-style special.”
According to the preliminary itinerary submitted by the Obamas, the visit was to include:
- A speech
- A guided tour of the Sistine Chapel
- A lunch with local schoolchildren about “faith equity”
- And an interfaith candlelight vigil where Michelle would read from Becoming while dressed as a modest angel
The Vatican politely replied, “Absolutely not.”
“Funerals aren’t platforms,” said Monsignor Art Tubolls, a senior member of the ceremonial planning committee. “They’re sacred rites. And frankly, we’re still recovering from the time Joe Biden tried to fist-bump the archbishop.”
The Obamas have not issued a formal statement, but anonymous insiders say Barack is “disappointed” and “feels his voice could have brought people together.” The same insider also confirmed he was hoping to bring Springsteen along for a surprise rendition of Ave Maria.
The Biden Administration has offered no comment, though White House insiders say Sleepy Joe was relieved. “He’s been worried he’d have to go, and he’s still not over the last time they made him walk up all those cathedral steps.”
Meanwhile, conservatives across the U.S. are treating the Vatican’s refusal as a holy mic drop. “First time in a long time I agree with the Pope,” said one online commenter. “Next up, let’s excommunicate Hunter.”
To be fair, the story appears to have originated from a now-deleted post on a Facebook group called “We the Papal People,” whose other posts include “The Pope Was a Time Traveler” and “Benedict XVI Lives in a Submarine.” But let’s be honest: once it hits the internet, it’s basically part of church history.
God Bless America.
