According to highly classified reports leaked to a guy who overheard a couple of TSA agents talking at the Cincinnati Chili Express in Terminal B, two of Kash Patel’s top operatives at DOGE believe they’ve found a direct link between the recent coordinated “terrorist attacks” on Tesla charging stations and—you guessed it—George Soros and his very real, totally not-made-up son, Alex.

The agents, known only by their code names “Falcon” and “Barry,” are part of DOGE’s elite Counter-Cultural Sabotage Task Force, a division founded by executive order after President Trump stubbed his toe on an unplugged phone charger in the Mar-a-Lago conservatory.

The team was dispatched following a series of mysterious “outages” at Tesla Supercharger locations in California, Oregon, and one suspicious incident in Arkansas where a charging station was wrapped entirely in bacon and set on fire “as a metaphor.”

“Make no mistake,” said Patel during a press conference held in the back of a Bass Pro Shop, “this is domestic terrorism. And the Soroses—yes, both of them—are pulling the strings. Just like they do with inflation, Black Lives Matter, and windmills.”

While official channels have yet to verify Patel’s claims, Falcon and Barry say they’ve pieced it together based on high-level forensic evidence, like how the security camera at one Tesla station captured a shadowy figure wearing sandals and eating a bagel. “Classic Soros move,” said Barry. “Bagels are a calling card.”

The agents also submitted screenshots from an online chess forum where a user named “S0r0sDaddy69” posted a meme that read: “Gas cars forever! Charge THIS, nerds!” Though the post originated from a server in Lithuania, Falcon insists that’s “just how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

Critics, of course, are already calling the theory unhinged. One Tesla spokesperson laughed for a full minute before choking on an Impossible Nugget. “If Soros wanted to take down Tesla, he could just short the stock like a normal billionaire.”

But none of that seems to matter to DOGE, which has already issued pre-indictment recommendations to the Department of Justice, the International Criminal Court, and the staff at Olive Garden.

In fact, Kash Patel has gone so far as to authorize a full seizure of assets belonging to George and Alex Soros, including but not limited to: 17 shell corporations, 11 ski lodges, two theme parks, and a signed copy of Barack Obama’s Dreams From My Father that’s currently on display at the Smithsonian.

In unrelated news, the two agents reportedly received a mysterious envelope full of Monopoly money and an old Blockbuster gift card signed “Love, Joe Barron.”

As always, George Soros’ representatives have denied the allegations, claiming Alex Soros “doesn’t even know how to drive.”

God Bless America.