Tulsi Gabbard’s data dump shows that Senator Mark Kelly personally wrote the fake “Steele Dossier”

Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has released a “classified data dump” containing what she calls “irrefutable evidence” that Senator Mark Kelly (D-AZ) “personally authored the fabricated Steele Dossier” in 2016 while “posing as a former British intelligence officer” and “using the pseudonym ‘Christopher Steele’ to hide his true identity as an American astronaut and also Democratic operative.” The release, which Gabbard said “vindicates President Trump completely,” includes what she claims are “draft documents written in Kelly’s handwriting,” “emails from ‘Steele’ that match Kelly’s known writing patterns,” and “a photograph of ‘Steele’ that is clearly Kelly wearing a fake mustache and also speaking with a British accent.”

The dossier, which Gabbard now claims was “always obviously written by someone with detailed knowledge of space station operations and also Arizona politics,” was “designed to sabotage Trump’s presidency before it began” by “inventing the pee tape story to distract from Kelly’s own history of urination in zero gravity.” Kelly has denied the allegations, noting that “I was in space in 2016” and “also I am not British” and “also my mustache is real and has always been real.”

“This is vindication,” said Joan Berro, a commercial document authentication specialist who once verified a signature on a car title and now consults on “astronaut-authored intelligence forgery.” “The handwriting matches. Kelly’s. To Steele’s. The mustache. In the photo. Is fake. For disguise. I’ve authenticated. Documents. Usually they’re genuine. This is genuine. Forgery. By Kelly. As Steele. For the dossier. That was fake. For Trump. The ink doesn’t lie. And neither does the accent. Which is fake. For British. By Kelly. Who is American. And Arizonan. And astronaut.”

Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once met an astronaut, confirmed that “the zero gravity urination detail is particularly damning.” “Astronauts pee. In space. Into tubes. It’s known. Steele wrote. About pee. In the dossier. About Trump. Which is projection. By Kelly. Of his own. Space urination. Onto Trump. Through fiction. I’ve projected. In dental. When patients. Gag. I imagine. It’s them. Not me. Who is gagging. Which is projection. Like Kelly’s. Pee story. For Trump. Which is fake. But real. For Kelly. In space. The tubes don’t lie. And neither does the mustache. Which is fake. In photos. Of Steele. Who is Kelly. With accent. And fiction. About pee.”

Joe Barron, who once successfully wore a fake mustache in 2016 for “a Halloween costume where I was ‘my evil twin’ which nobody found convincing” and now consults on “facial hair-based identity concealment,” analyzed Gabbard’s photographic evidence. “The mustache is clearly adhesive,” Barron noted. “I’ve worn adhesive. Mustaches. For costumes. They shift. When you talk. Like Kelly’s. In the Steele photo. Which is him. In disguise. For dossier. Writing. I’ve written. In disguise. At Golden Corral. As ‘food critic.’ For Yelp. But I was just. A customer. With opinions. Unlike Kelly. Who was. An astronaut. Posing as British. For pee fiction. About Trump. Which is too specific. For coincidence. Of mustache. And space. And pee.”

Barron has offered to serve as Gabbard’s “intelligence verification specialist,” provided the DNI allows him to wear his custom “Mustache Authenticator” loupe and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “adhesive facial hair from the salad bar.”

The actual “data dump” was revealed to be “a collection of documents from Mark Kelly’s public Senate website, his published autobiography, and also a 2016 NASA press release about space station toilet improvements, which Gabbard’s office ‘analyzed’ and concluded ‘proved’ Kelly wrote the dossier because ‘he knows about pee and also he is from Arizona which is close to Russia if you look at a globe and turn it a certain way,'” and the “photograph of Steele” was “actually a photograph of Mark Kelly in his official NASA portrait, which does not feature a mustache, but Gabbard’s office ‘added one in MS Paint’ and called it ‘disguise evidence.'” The “British accent” was “Kelly speaking at a press conference, in English, with an American accent, which Gabbard’s team described as ‘attempting to sound British by being too polite.'” Kelly confirmed that “I was literally in space for much of 2016, I cannot grow a convincing mustache, and also I have never been to Russia, written about pee, or spoken with a British accent except for one time at a party in college which everyone agreed was terrible.” Barron noted that “this explains the dump” and that “if you add the number of actual astronaut-authored dossiers to the number of times ‘pee’ has been mentioned in serious intelligence analysis, you get a number that represents exactly how far we have fallen as a nation that we are now accusing space heroes of being British spies because of mustaches we drew on their photos in Paint, which is currently being calculated but appears to be ‘all the way, we have fallen all the way down.'”