In a bold move that has already sparked celebration at truck stops across Alabama and several diners in Kentucky, former President Donald Trump has signed an executive order mandating drug testing for all recipients of welfare benefits and food stamps. The policy, known as the “Weed for Waffles” initiative, is the first official act of Trump’s self-declared “Pre-Presidency.”

“People are getting free food and using it to buy drugs,” Trump said, squinting at a cheeseburger he believed to be a microphone. “We have to stop the lazy people from spending their food stamps on cocaine, which you can’t even eat.”

The executive order, signed on a Waffle House napkin during a campaign stop in Pensacola, outlines a sweeping new policy: every American who applies for food assistance must now pee in a cup and recite the Pledge of Allegiance while holding an unopened can of generic beans. Any failure to comply will result in automatic disqualification and a voucher for one (1) expired MRE.

According to the newly formed Department of Moral Prioritization, the program is expected to save “billions in taxpayer dollars currently being spent on Funyuns and vape juice.” The agency’s new spokesperson, Joe Barron, defended the plan, saying, “If you can afford a bong, you can afford a bag of rice. It’s science.”

Barron later clarified that his own drug test came back “inconclusive” due to a technical issue involving what he described as “residual medicinal mushrooms.”

Critics have pointed out that previous attempts to implement similar programs in states like Florida, Mississippi, and Joe Rogan’s imagination have shown that the cost of testing far exceeds any potential savings, since only 0.02% of applicants ever test positive—usually for ibuprofen.

But Trump’s team isn’t worried about statistics. “Statistics are just numbers made by the Deep State to confuse real Americans,” said Art Tubolls, senior policy adviser and part-time Chili’s bartender. “We go by vibes and the occasional meme.”

The order also contains a clause requiring random drug testing of all children born into households receiving aid, with the stated goal of “catching bad habits early.” When asked how a toddler could fail a drug test, Trump responded, “Have you seen the way they act after candy? Total maniacs.”

Democrats immediately pushed back on the measure, calling it cruel, discriminatory, and based on “an idea someone clearly came up with after watching four hours of Fox News and a monster energy drink.”

Still, support for the plan remains strong among Trump’s base, especially after a popular Facebook post claimed that food stamps were being used to buy shrimp, lobster, and “possibly meth in a seafood disguise.”

In the end, Trump said it best himself: “America needs accountability. And if that means peeing in a cup to prove you’re hungry, so be it.”

God Bless America.