In a move that has confused engineers, delighted his base, and caused multiple physics professors to throw up their hands in despair, former President Donald J. Trump has officially ordered that the Keystone XL Pipeline be repurposed to transport only American oil.

There’s just one small problem: the pipeline isn’t designed to do that.

Meet the Man in Charge: Joe Barron

To oversee this bold and completely unworkable project, Trump has tapped Joe Barron, a man with absolutely no background in engineering but extensive experience in saying “Yes, sir” whenever Trump speaks.

“President Trump gave me one simple directive,” Barron explained at a press conference while standing next to an upside-down map of North America. “Make the Keystone Pipeline Great Again.”

Barron then proudly presented a PowerPoint presentation that consisted of only one slide, which read:

“Step 1: Put Only American Oil in the Pipeline. Step 2: America Wins.”

The Engineering Nightmare

Experts were quick to point out that Trump’s plan is not just impractical—it’s literally impossible.

For starters, the Keystone Pipeline was never designed to carry crude oil from U.S. sources. It was built to transport oil from Canada down to U.S. refineries, not the other way around.

“Pipelines are not magic tubes where you just throw in whatever you want,” said Dr. Linda Cartwright, an energy infrastructure expert. “That’s like demanding that your sink drain only carry American water. It doesn’t work that way.”

Trump Responds to Critics

Upon hearing that the pipeline physically cannot be repurposed to transport only American oil, Trump fired back with his signature brand of confident nonsense.

“That’s fake news,” Trump declared at a rally, while standing in front of a hand-drawn picture of a pipeline labeled “BIG BEAUTIFUL OIL.” “I talked to some of the best pipeline guys—big, strong guys, very smart. They said, ‘Sir, we can do it. No problem.’ And I said, ‘Of course, we can do it! We built Trump Tower. We built WALLS. Why not a little pipeline magic?’”

The Unstoppable Trainwreck of a Plan

Despite repeated warnings from scientists, engineers, and anyone who passed high school physics, Barron insists that the plan is moving forward.

“The president said it, so we’ll make it happen,” Barron explained, while aggressively hammering on a section of pipeline with a wrench for no apparent reason.

In an effort to “Americanize” the pipeline, Barron has also suggested:

  • Repainting it red, white, and blue
  • Installing speakers that play the national anthem every hour
  • Adding a “Trump 2024” banner every 20 miles

Meanwhile, Canadian officials have simply stopped responding to calls from the Trump camp, reportedly too busy laughing to issue a formal statement.

Final Thoughts

Will the Keystone Pipeline suddenly reverse its function and defy all known laws of physics?

Absolutely not.

Will Trump supporters celebrate the move anyway and buy commemorative “ONLY AMERICAN OIL” T-shirts?

Absolutely.

God Bless, America.