President Donald J. Trump has once again proven that he’s a man of the people—especially if those people live in North Carolina, voted for him, and accidentally called his golf course thinking it was FEMA.

In a surprise press conference held at Mar-a-Lago’s newly renovated gold-plated FEMA Outreach Lounge (formerly the gift shop), Trump announced that he had officially “fixed Biden’s FEMA disaster” by raising the standard emergency relief payments from a measly $700 to a “tremendous, beautiful” $70,000.

“This is the best FEMA in history now. The best. People were getting seven hundred bucks before—I thought, what is that, lunch at McDonald’s? I don’t think so,” Trump said while holding a Chick-fil-A sandwich upside down and calling it “a Big Mac alternative for the patriots.”

The decision came just hours after Trump saw a Fox News chyron reading “FEMA payments set at $700,” which he immediately misread as, “FEMA employees only make $700 a year,” causing him to demand a total overhaul of the department and “better uniforms.”

According to sources inside the White House who spoke to American Justice Observatory Daily (AJOD) on the condition of anonymity and free tickets to Trumpstock, Trump’s misunderstanding of the payment amount was “so genuine and passionate that no one wanted to correct him.”

“Look, we tried to explain that it was $700 per family, just for initial assistance,” said one FEMA official. “But he kept yelling, ‘How is someone supposed to buy a new Cadillac and a boat with that?!’”

Under Trump’s new directive, survivors of the recent North Carolina storms will now be eligible to receive $70,000 each, regardless of the damage done to their homes. When asked how the government would pay for it, Trump simply replied:

“We’ll just cancel NPR and PBS. Nobody watches that crap anyway. That should free up at least $800 million a day.”

While many residents celebrated the news, FEMA field agents scrambled to contain the chaos after several residents began placing orders for in-ground swimming pools, hot tubs, and platinum commemorative MAGA coins before the money even arrived.

Despite the confusion, the White House press office put out a statement calling the decision “bold, compassionate, and almost entirely legal.”

However, critics were quick to point out the glaring error in Trump’s logic, suggesting that his actions were based on “a complete failure to understand how emergency funding works.”

“It’s clear,” said Dr. Art Tubolls, head of the fictional Institute for Presidential Cognition, “that President Trump might be suffering from what we call Selective Arithmetic Impairment Disorder, or SAID. It’s like dyscalculia, but only affects numbers he doesn’t like or can’t golf to.”

When asked if he regretted the decision, Trump replied, “No regrets. Just results. And probably a Nobel Peace Prize for disaster recovery. Write that down.”

God Bless America.