In a heartwarming show of gratitude for their bravery, patriotism, and complete disregard for federal law, Donald Trump has officially invited all pardoned January 6 participants to enjoy a luxurious, all-expense-paid stay at any of his world-famous Trump resorts. Because nothing says “thank you for storming the Capitol” quite like a complimentary cocktail at the Mar-a-Lago tiki bar.
The offer, which was announced in a totally real and not at all desperate press release, extends to any and all J6ers who have been pardoned under Trump’s bold and totally constitutional plan to erase their records. “These fine, upstanding Americans deserve to be rewarded,” Trump declared. “And what better way to reward them than with the absolute best accommodations, the best service, and the best golf courses—frankly, better than any other golf courses, people say that.”
The details of the offer are, of course, incredibly generous. Every pardoned J6er will receive:
- A deluxe room at a Trump resort of their choosing
- Free continental breakfast (croissants not included—those are extra)
- One complimentary round of golf, provided they bring their own clubs and pay the course fee
- Access to world-class amenities, such as a pool, a gym, and a gift shop with deeply discounted MAGA hats
But, as with all things in Trump’s world, there’s one tiny, little catch. The all-expense-paid part? Yeah, that’s only for the first six hours. After that, it’s on them.
That’s right—after enjoying a brief, glorious taste of Trump-level luxury, guests will find themselves on the hook for every single charge, including resort fees, meal costs, and of course, a surprise “Patriot Service Charge” that happens to be the exact price of a night’s stay. Guests who can’t pay? Well, there’s always dishwashing duty in the Trump Tower kitchen.
When asked if this was just a cheap ploy to fill empty hotel rooms while pretending to be generous, a Trump spokesperson called the accusation “fake news” and reminded reporters that many people say Trump’s resorts are the best in the world, maybe the best in history, nobody’s seen anything like it.
Meanwhile, Art Tubolls, a former J6 defendant who eagerly took the offer, said he was thrilled to be staying at a Trump resort—until hour seven rolled around and he received a $987 bill for “incidentals.” “I thought it was free,” he said. “Then they charged me $20 for WiFi and $14 for using a towel.”
Even so, some MAGA diehards insist this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is a true show of Trump’s generosity—because, after all, he didn’t have to give them six free hours at all.
God Bless America.
