In a bold and completely rational move, former President Donald J. Trump has officially offered federal government positions to several individuals he personally pardoned for their involvement in the January 6th Capitol riots—because, as he put it, “Who better to protect the country than the people who literally tried to overthrow it?”
The announcement was made during a Trump rally/infomercial hybrid, where the former president stood in front of a giant golden eagle statue and listed off job offers between sales pitches for Trump Steaks and a new line of MAGA-branded tactical gear.
Top-Notch Public Servants
According to sources inside Mar-a-Lago’s makeshift “War Room” (also known as the buffet area), Trump’s hand-selected team of loyal patriots will be placed in key government positions, including:
- Bubba “The Buffalo Guy” McDougall as Head of the National Park Service (because he “respects the majesty of American buffalo horns”).
- Joe Barron as Deputy Attorney General, since he has “some courtroom experience” (which consists mostly of defending himself).
- Art Tubolls as Postmaster General, because “he’s been mailing things for years, folks.”
- A guy named “Big Rick” as Director of Homeland Security, on the basis that he once “successfully jumped a fence at the Capitol.”
Trump supporters immediately cheered the decision, with many declaring it a victory against the “Deep State.” Others, however, were confused, as some of the pardonees are still serving probation and technically cannot leave their home states without permission.
“Only the Best People”—Again
Despite obvious concerns, Trump defended his choices, claiming these individuals are “loyal warriors” who have proven their dedication to America by storming its most sacred government buildings.
“These are the best people, folks. The best. Strong. Smart. They love this country so much they were willing to BREAK INTO IT! You can’t buy that kind of loyalty.”
He also clarified that background checks would be waived, because “we already know what they’ve done, folks, and it was beautiful.”
A Few Minor Legal Issues
Of course, not all of the appointees will be able to start immediately. Several are still on house arrest, and at least one forgot to check in with his parole officer before accepting the position.
Additionally, legal experts warn that placing convicted rioters in federal roles could lead to “significant national security risks”, but Trump quickly dismissed this concern, pointing out that “the real threat is still Nancy Pelosi.”
What’s Next?
The appointments will officially take effect in 2025, assuming Trump wins re-election and the entire government hasn’t collapsed into complete chaos by then (which, let’s be honest, is at least a 50/50 chance).
Until then, Trump’s team is already working on his next major initiative: Renaming the FBI to the “Trump Bureau of Investigation” and giving it new uniforms in “the proper red, white, and blue.”
Because, as Trump himself put it:
“If we can’t trust the people who smashed windows and stole podiums to run the country, then who CAN we trust?”
God Bless America.
