Mainstream media is once again in full meltdown mode, crying crocodile tears over President Donald J. Trump’s latest heroic effort to stop leftist grifters from pocketing disaster aid in North Carolina. Headlines scream, “Trump Halts FEMA Aid to NC Storm Victims!” — conveniently ignoring the full context: he only stopped some of the aid, and only in places that really needed to be taught a lesson.
The decision came after a harrowing 14 minutes of Trump skimming a FEMA summary report while eating a Filet-O-Fish. According to totally real internal memos obtained by a guy named Art Tubolls who stocks vending machines at a local FEMA office, Trump reportedly said, “Asheville? That’s where the hipsters live, right? No way we’re paying for their kombucha flood damage. Let ‘em dry out with sage and oat milk.”
Under normal circumstances, federal disaster aid covers up to 100% of storm damage recovery. But Trump, in a bold move to protect American taxpayers from leftist scammery, dropped that number down to 75% for “certain areas that smell like patchouli and voted for Biden.” Naturally, left-leaning media outlets like CNN, MSNBC, and The Asheville Kale Times took issue with the decision, falsely labeling it “heartless” and “politically motivated.” What they won’t tell you is that the decision came directly from a secret advisory committee made up of three former Waffle House cooks and Joe Barron, who said he once saw someone from Asheville try to write off a crystal collection as a business expense.
“Let’s be clear,” Trump said during a press conference held between holes at his North Carolina golf course, “we’re still giving aid to the real Americans — you know, the ones who say ‘sir’ when they talk to me and don’t identify as seasonal root vegetables.”
According to a totally not-made-up FEMA source with access to “the good clipboard,” Trump believes the aid reduction will discourage what he called “disaster freeloading” — a phrase he invented on the spot when someone tried to ask a follow-up question.
Meanwhile, residents of Asheville insist they are simply asking for the same help that’s given to other storm-ravaged communities. But according to an unpaid intern from the Department of Official Government Excellence (DOGE), Asheville failed a critical Trump Loyalty Survey. “They couldn’t even name all three of Trump’s Supreme Court appointees without groaning,” the intern reported. “So really, they brought this on themselves.”
Elon Musk even chimed in from orbit, tweeting: “Storm aid should go to those who earn it. Like Dogecoin holders and Mars colonists.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering increasing aid — but only if Asheville residents agree to host a 60-foot gold statue of him in their downtown park and rename it “Ron DeSantis Is Overrated Square.”
God Bless America.
