In a bold new policy proposal that has sent shockwaves through both political parties, former President Donald J. Trump has called for the elimination of property taxes for America’s seniors, declaring that it’s time for the government to “stop shaking down our beautiful old people like a bunch of crooks.”
“Folks, let me tell you something,” Trump said at a rally in The Villages, Florida, to an enthusiastic crowd of retirees wearing MAGA visors and orthopedic sneakers. “These people? They’ve paid their dues. They’ve worked hard, they’ve built this country, and what do we do? We TAX them for owning a home! A home that, by the way, they already paid for. It’s disgraceful, folks. Absolutely disgraceful.”
The announcement was met with roaring applause and at least three impromptu standing ovations, despite the fact that many in the audience needed assistance getting back down into their seats.
Trump continued, “I mean, look at these wonderful people! The best people. They should be enjoying themselves—playing golf, watching The Price Is Right, yelling at the TV when they see Nancy Pelosi. They shouldn’t be worrying about property taxes! It’s time for us to leave them alone. Just leave them alone! That’s why, when I’m back in office, property taxes for seniors? Gone! Poof! Like a Democrat’s spine in a tough negotiation.”
A Few Minor Details
While Trump’s proposal was met with widespread enthusiasm among his base, economic analysts, tax policy experts, and anyone who understands basic math quickly pointed out that eliminating property taxes for seniors would strip billions in funding from local governments, which rely on these taxes to pay for essential services like schools, emergency responders, and infrastructure.
When confronted with these concerns by a journalist from The Washington Post, Trump had a simple response:
“Fake news. Local governments waste money. They don’t need it. You ever see a pothole? Disgusting. You know who never had potholes? Me. I build perfect roads. I’ve seen local governments—so much waste, so much corruption. Trust me, the money is there. We just need to take it away from the right people.”
The Real Reason Behind the Plan
However, as with all things in politics, there was a catch. It was only after Trump’s advisors accidentally left a strategy memo at a Denny’s in Palm Beach that the full scope of the plan was revealed.
According to the leaked document, Trump’s push to eliminate property taxes for seniors was actually part of a larger financial restructuring strategy. Specifically, it was necessary because seniors were about to lose Social Security and Medicare entirely.
“You take away their property taxes,” the document read, “so they don’t notice they’re about to lose everything else.”
In a follow-up interview, Trump dismissed concerns, saying, “Look, Social Security is old, okay? Outdated. And Medicare? Not so great. I mean, it’s fine, but have you seen the hospitals in Dubai? Much better! We’re going to do something else. Something terrific. Maybe coupons. Maybe Trump-branded clinics. We’re looking into it.”
Meanwhile, economists are frantically warning seniors to brace for impact, while real estate companies are rushing to buy up the soon-to-be-liquidated homes of retirees forced to sell just to afford their prescriptions.
But in The Villages, at least, Trump’s base remains undeterred. As one supporter, 78-year-old Joe Barron, put it:
“Sure, I’ll lose Social Security, but I won’t have to pay property taxes. That’s a win, right?”
His wife, who had just finished Googling ‘how to survive with no retirement income,’ nodded hesitantly. “I mean… I guess we can always move in with the kids?”
A chilling silence followed.
“Yeah,” Barron muttered. “Maybe we should have voted for the other guy.”