In a bold and totally constitutional move, former President Donald J. Trump has authorized the FCC to fine media outlets up to $10 million for what he calls “media misconduct.” Because if there’s one thing that has been holding America back, it’s the unchecked freedom of the press.

Under the new executive order—crafted with only the finest crayon strokes—the Federal Communications Commission now has the power to punish news organizations that engage in “deceptive, unfair, or un-American” reporting.

And who decides what qualifies as deceptive, unfair, or un-American?

Well, that’s the best part. Trump does.

Finally, the First Amendment Gets Some Discipline

For too long, the mainstream media has been recklessly abusing its First Amendment rights—reporting things that are not entirely flattering to Trump, fact-checking him in real time, and, worst of all, airing interviews with people who don’t think he won the 2020 election.

With this new policy in place, outlets that continue their unhinged “journalism” crusade will face devastating financial penalties.

  • $500,000 fines for using the phrase “twice-impeached former president” instead of “eternally beloved leader.”
  • $1 million fines for calling January 6 a ‘riot’ instead of a ‘patriotic tourism event.’
  • $5 million fines for airing interviews with people who “look like” Democrats (this includes most scientists and anyone wearing glasses).
  • And a full $10 million fine for suggesting that Trump’s hands are small.

A Free Press… But With Rules

Of course, some critics (mostly radical leftist communists who hate America) are whining that this new policy “shreds the First Amendment” and “violates every legal precedent in modern democracy.”

But Trump supporters wisely understand that the First Amendment was never meant to protect fake news.

And really, if the press just tells the truth—the real truth, the Trump truth—then they have nothing to worry about.

Trump himself reassured the nation, stating:

“This is not about taking away freedom of the press, okay? This is about giving the people—very smart people, the best people—the truth. Because for too long, the media has been unfair. Very unfair. And we’re gonna make them fair again. Believe me.”

What Happens Now?

As news organizations scramble to determine whether they can continue operating under these strict-but-totally-fair guidelines, the only safe harbor left appears to be Truth Social, where all posts are legally required to begin with “Trump is the greatest president in history.”

Fox News has already adjusted accordingly, replacing all future election coverage with 24-hour reruns of Trump campaign rallies. Meanwhile, CNN is reportedly in talks to sell its entire network to MyPillow’s Mike Lindell, just to avoid bankruptcy.

And so, at long last, American journalism has been restored to its rightful place—directly under Trump’s thumb.

God Bless America.