President Donald J. Trump has officially appointed actress Candace Cameron Bure as the new Director of Programming for PBS in a move that has left political analysts and television critics grabbing the nearest bottle of aspirin. Because when it comes to managing a national public broadcasting network, who better than D.J. Tanner from “Full House”?

Bure, a self-proclaimed expert in family values and aggressively saying “Merry Christmas,” has long been vocal about the need for television to “return to its roots”—which, apparently, means a simpler time when history books left out all the uncomfortable parts.

PBS: Now With Even More Jesus and Flag-Waving

Bure wasted no time announcing a complete overhaul of PBS programming, stating that the network had become “too focused on science, culture, and facts” and needed to refocus on good old-fashioned American storytelling. She immediately outlined her bold new vision, including exciting new shows such as:

  • “Cooking with Jesus” – A weekly program where every meal miraculously feeds 5,000 and wine is just water with good intentions.
  • “Art Tubolls’ Patriotic Puppet Hour” – A Sesame Street replacement where puppets teach kids about capitalism, bootstraps, and why billionaires deserve tax breaks.
  • “The Real American History” – A factually questionable documentary series hosted by Joe Barron, who once Googled “1776” and now considers himself a historian.

Enter Joe Barron, The Man with the Plan

Bure won’t be running PBS alone—enter Joe Barron, a man whose previous television experience involves selling knockoff DVDs out of his trunk and producing a short-lived YouTube channel dedicated to explaining why windmills cause cancer. Barron has been named Senior Director of Truth and Values, a role that no one understands but everyone fears.

Barron has already recommended canceling classic PBS programs such as Masterpiece Theatre and Frontline because they “contain too many words and not enough bald eagles.” In their place, he has proposed a 24-hour Hallmark Movie marathon, featuring inspiring stories about big-city women giving up their careers to marry plaid-shirt-wearing lumberjacks.

Critics Sound the Alarm—Trump Does Not Care

Critics have expressed deep concern over the changes, arguing that PBS exists to provide educational programming, not propaganda. But Bure, Barron, and Trump remain unfazed. In a press conference, Trump called the move “maybe the best decision ever made by a president, and I know presidents, believe me.”

When asked about funding concerns, Trump reassured the nation that PBS would receive “more money than ever” before immediately forgetting and suggesting that the network should “stand on its own like a real business”—leading to utter confusion and several emergency budget meetings.

As PBS prepares for its bold new era of carefully curated reality avoidance, one thing is certain: under Candace Cameron Bure’s leadership, America’s public broadcasting system will be… well, something.

God Bless America.