For years, Hollywood icon Tom Hanks has been praised as America’s wholesome dad, a beacon of kindness, and a man who could do no wrong. But new reports have surfaced, revealing that his luxurious island home off the coast of Greece comes equipped with something most millionaires don’t typically advertise—a fully operational medieval dungeon.
Yes, that’s right. A dungeon. With stone walls, iron chains, and a torch-lit corridor straight out of a Monty Python movie.
Nothing to See Here, Folks…
When questioned about the mysterious underground chamber, a spokesperson for Hanks assured reporters that it’s “just part of the home’s aesthetic charm.”
“Oh, that? It’s just a historical feature,” said Joe Barron, a longtime associate of the actor. “Lots of Greek estates have dungeons. It’s totally normal. You know, for… uh… storage.”
Because if there’s one thing a multimillion-dollar beachfront property needs, it’s a cold, stone-floored underground prison reminiscent of the Spanish Inquisition.
What Exactly Is It For?
According to Hanks’ camp, the dungeon is just a quirky relic of history, with no current use aside from “atmosphere.”
But some insiders aren’t convinced. Art Tubolls, a local contractor who worked on renovations to the estate, described some odd modifications made to the space.
“I’ve seen a lot of weird rich people requests,” Tubolls said, shaking his head. “But installing a fully functioning portcullis and a retractable iron maiden? That’s next-level. He even had the chains polished. Who does that?”
So What’s the Dungeon Actually Used For?
Despite the ominous setup, sources close to Hanks insist that he has no personal use for the dungeon. But that doesn’t mean it sits empty.
According to leaked booking records, Hanks has been known to rent it out—strictly to Republican lawmakers and high-ranking priests.
“Oh yeah, it’s been a hotspot for years,” confirmed one anonymous Greek concierge. “Matt Gaetz was here once, but he left after realizing the chains weren’t attached to a teenage girl. Ted Cruz books it every summer under the alias ‘Sir Rafael of Cancun.’ And there was one time when a group of bishops tried to turn it into a retreat center.”
As for Hanks himself? His reps continue to insist he has no involvement in these gatherings. “Tom doesn’t even go down there,” Joe Barron clarified. “He just collects the rental checks and shakes his head.”
God Bless America.
