In a shocking turn of events, three foreign nations have formally requested the extradition of Dr. Anthony Fauci, demanding that he be sent abroad to face serious—yet completely absurd—charges. The White House has yet to issue an official response, but sources say President Biden audibly sighed and muttered, “Not this again,” upon receiving the requests.
Leading the charge is Liechtenstein, a country that most Americans couldn’t find on a map with a GPS, accusing Fauci of “reckless misuse of the metric system.” According to the indictment, Fauci repeatedly referred to temperatures in Fahrenheit during global health briefings, causing widespread confusion and one reported incident of a baker miscalculating the correct oven setting, leading to an undercooked wedding cake disaster.
“He knowingly and willfully used a unit of measurement that made no sense,” declared Liechtenstein’s Minister of Weights and Measures, Joe Barron, during a heated press conference. “How hot is 98.6 degrees? No one knows! It could be boiling! It could be freezing! This level of recklessness cannot go unpunished.”
Meanwhile, the Principality of Sealand, the tiny offshore platform that claims to be an independent nation, has accused Fauci of “impersonating a sea captain.” Allegedly, during a public health webinar, Fauci made a passing reference to “navigating through the pandemic,” which Sealand interpreted as a fraudulent attempt to command an unregistered maritime vessel.
“Our sovereignty cannot tolerate this blatant nautical deception,” said Sealand’s self-proclaimed Prime Minister, who delivered his statement from a rusted lawn chair positioned precariously on the platform’s edge. “If he so much as utters the word ‘anchor’ again, we will escalate this matter to the highest courts—if we had any.”
The third and arguably most bizarre extradition request comes from North Macedonia, where Fauci has been charged with “conspiring to sabotage the nation’s annual zucchini festival.” According to prosecutors, Fauci’s global health recommendations led to a temporary shortage of imported fertilizer, resulting in underwhelming zucchini crops and, in turn, a noticeably smaller-than-usual zucchini sculpture contest.
“This was an act of vegetable treason,” said North Macedonian official Goran Stojanović, angrily pointing at a visibly lackluster zucchini statue of a horse. “Do you think this is what we wanted? Look at the proportions! The hooves are all wrong!”
Legal experts are unsure whether the U.S. government is even considering the extradition requests, given that none of the charges appear to be rooted in reality. However, conspiracy theorists have already taken to social media, claiming this is undeniable proof that Fauci has been operating as an “international agent of chaos” under the guise of a mild-mannered immunologist.
As for Fauci himself, he seemed unbothered when reached for comment. “Oh great, another batch of nonsense,” he said while adjusting his glasses. “At least this time it’s about zucchini and not microchips in vaccines.”
While the White House deliberates, officials are reportedly preparing for the next inevitable controversy—rumors that Fauci secretly owns the moon and is using it to control global tides.
