In what is being called “the smoking gun” that conservatives have been waiting for, the Pentagon has reportedly uncovered hard evidence that Hillary Clinton’s infamous “Uranium One” deal was, in fact, real—and far worse than anyone ever imagined.

According to newly declassified documents, the former Secretary of State didn’t just hand over 20% of America’s uranium supply to Russia—she personally delivered it, suitcase in hand, while cackling into the night. The findings, which were immediately leaked to every conspiracy blog on the internet, have sparked new calls for her arrest, trial, and immediate launch into space.

The Startling Discovery

The investigation, led by General Joe Barron, uncovered a series of suspicious transactions dating back to Clinton’s time at the State Department. Sources inside the Pentagon report that these transactions included:

  • A wire transfer of $1.7 billion from a “mystery account” labeled HRC_NOT_A_CRIME_99
  • A shipment of uranium to Moscow disguised as a shipment of Girl Scout cookies
  • A signed napkin agreement where Clinton reportedly wrote, “Thanks for the cash, Vlad! LOL – Hillary”

Despite the overwhelming lack of actual evidence in the past, these new findings prove beyond any reasonable doubt that Hillary Clinton has been secretly running America’s uranium industry from a hidden bunker in Chappaqua, New York, which, according to one source, “looks exactly like the lair of a Bond villain.”

The Media Cover-Up

Naturally, mainstream outlets like CNN and MSNBC have refused to cover this blockbuster revelation, choosing instead to focus on pointless distractions like global conflicts, economic issues, and actual news.

However, Art Tubolls, an independent journalist and part-time sandwich artist, has reportedly seen the Pentagon documents himself and confirmed their authenticity by holding them up to the light and squinting really hard.

“I know real government files when I see them,” Tubolls stated. “This has deep-state fingerprints all over it—literally. I saw smudges.”

What Happens Next?

Despite overwhelming internet outrage, the likelihood of Clinton facing any real consequences remains as low as ever. The DOJ has already announced that it will be “reviewing the documents,” which everyone knows is Washington code for “placing them in a locked drawer and pretending they don’t exist.”

Meanwhile, Republican lawmakers are demanding action, calling for:

  • A full congressional investigation
  • An immediate revocation of Clinton’s library card
  • A special task force led by the most credible investigator available—Rudy Giuliani

At press time, Hillary Clinton was still not in jail, and conservative Facebook groups had begun speculating that she had already fled to a secret underground lair in Antarctica, where she and Barack Obama are reportedly building a uranium-powered weather machine to steal elections forever.

God Bless America.