According to a stack of paperwork no one is allowed to see, the Obamas managed to bill the federal government more than $30 million between 2021 and 2025 while Joe Biden sat in the Oval Office doing whatever it is Joe Biden does when he’s awake and upright.

The so-called “Hope and Change Operational Discretionary Fund”—which apparently exists—was used to justify everything from new countertops in Michelle’s oceanside yoga dome to Barack’s monthly “Legacy Alignment Retreats” in Bali.

“They listed it all as ‘consulting,’” said Joe Barron, a guy who used to work at a copier repair place next to a D.C. sandwich shop. “I delivered pastrami to a guy who claims he saw the receipts. Or a copy of a receipt. Could’ve been a napkin. Point is, it was suspicious.”

Among the notable charges:

  • $2.7 million for “strategic vibe enhancements”
  • $5.1 million for Sasha and Malia’s “post-academic life optimization journeys,” also known as brunch in the Hamptons
  • $8 million for a Netflix docu-series titled Waffles: A Breakfast Story of Resilience
  • $900,000 for “emergency stylistics” after Barack’s khaki shorts were labeled a national embarrassment

White House Press Secretary Art Tubolls, who was recently demoted to “guy who tweets from the official account when Elon blocks us again,” defended the spending. “President Obama has offered invaluable advice to President Biden during this term. For example, he told Joe not to eat the decorative soap in the Lincoln bathroom. That saved us thousands in medical costs.”

Michelle Obama, when asked about the funds, simply pointed to a stack of kale and disappeared into a black Escalade labeled “Totally Not Government Property.”

While no official report exists to confirm the numbers, the math checks out if you squint hard enough and round everything up to the nearest emotional trauma. According to sources overheard at a Cracker Barrel near Scranton, a man named “Rick” who claims to be Barack’s barber once said, “That dude bills like he’s still the boss.”

The most damning detail? A line item for $340,000 marked “Presidential Swag.” No one knows what it is. Everyone knows it’s real.

Republicans are already threatening to open an investigation, assuming they can stop fighting each other long enough to remember how subpoenas work. Meanwhile, the Obamas continue to deny everything, which—according to Facebook—just proves they’re guilty.

In the end, it may not matter. Because while no official agency has validated any of this, the fact that it was written down somewhere on the internet means it’s already becoming settled historical doctrine in the great echo chambers of truth.

And as always, God Bless America.