For over three decades, the Bush family—yes, that Bush family—has been quietly collecting $160,000 a year from the federal government’s general fund. While most Americans assume government payouts are reserved for social programs, defense contracts, or perhaps paying off particularly tenacious lobbyists, the Bushes have maintained this generous stipend for reasons that remain, at best, deeply perplexing.
When asked about the payments, a White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, sighed and said, “It’s complicated.”
The Official Explanation: ‘Bush Bucks’ for Patriotic Handshakes
According to declassified documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, the payments began in 1992 under a little-known congressional measure known as the Esteemed Gentlemen’s Fund.
The fund was allegedly established to compensate former presidents and their families for exceptional decorum and handshaking prowess. Since George H.W. Bush was widely regarded as the country’s most proficient hand-shaker—known to deliver up to 75 hearty, yet measured, greetings per hour—Congress determined that this service to the nation merited a lifelong stipend.
“It’s not just about the quantity of handshakes,” explained longtime Bush family advisor Kip Wainsworth. “It’s about the firmness, the eye contact, the subtle yet reassuring double-pat on the forearm. These are skills that can’t be taught. They must be cultivated over generations.”
Indeed, the Bush family has continued the tradition, with George W. Bush and even Jeb Bush contributing to what scholars now call “The Great American Shake.” Critics argue that Barack Obama’s superior fist-bumping technique never earned him similar compensation, proving that Congress plays favorites when it comes to official greeting styles.
Secret Clause: The National Pretzel Awareness Initiative
Another peculiar justification for the payments comes from a 2003 amendment to the program, known informally as the George W. Bush Emergency Snack Hazard Fund.
Following the infamous 2002 incident in which then-President George W. Bush nearly choked on a pretzel while watching football, the government took drastic action. Concerned that such a crisis could befall other high-ranking officials, lawmakers quietly allocated funds to the Bush family to research, document, and warn the public about the dangers of improperly chewed bar snacks.
“I can’t tell you how many lives have been saved,” said one unnamed Congressional staffer. “Because of the Bush initiative, millions of Americans now chew their pretzels with a heightened sense of awareness.”
Jeb’s Participation: The ‘Please Clap’ Stimulus
While many assumed Jeb Bush faded into obscurity following his 2016 presidential campaign, documents reveal that a portion of the annual Bush family stipend has been redirected toward what the government refers to as the Jeb! Encouragement Fund.
“It turns out Jeb’s self-esteem was legally classified as a ‘national morale concern,’” said an expert in political psychology. “The payments ensure that Jeb receives daily affirmations, at least one standing ovation per week, and a team of interns dedicated to clapping at his speeches, no matter how underwhelming.”
What’s Next?
While some critics argue that the Bush family’s annual $160,000 payment should be reallocated toward education, infrastructure, or at least a national fund for aspiring pretzel-eaters, others insist that the Bushes have earned it.
“Listen,” said one Texas voter. “If paying the Bushes keeps them busy and out of trouble, I say let ‘em have it.”
And so, for the foreseeable future, the American taxpayer will continue funding the most polite, pretzel-conscious political dynasty in history.
